A letter to the shemlen I loved
by Motodachi
Summary: A posthumous letter to Alistair from his fellow warden. She took the hit from the arch demon and tries to explain why she had to press on and eventually let him stay back at the base of the keep for the big battle.


Da'vhenan, If you read this then I am dead. I'm sorry that I put you through the things I did and I owe you both an explanation and an apology.

It was wrong of me to encourage any hope that we both would see this to the end together. At first I told myself it was not that bad. That even if my life would be shortened there would be many years as Warden to be had. How very wrong i was. For this I'm sorry.

After the attack on our camp I realized how close to the edge I really was. I told you then that I didn't want to talk about it. I thought it better you didn't know. I will tell you now.

You didn't know what happened to me before Duncan brought me to Ostagar. In part I didn't remember much at the time we first met. It all came back to me day by day. With the returning memories a horrible realization what was to become of me. I should have trusted you more.

Before Ostagar i lived with my clan. Followed the way of the Dales. I was a hunter. It's our way that you always hunt in pairs and the bond to your weapon brother is strong. Together you move as one. You are each others shadow. Tamlen was my brother in the hunt. Corruption took him from me. If anything was right and fate had not been so cruel as to spare me we would both have died that day.

Tamlen and I happened upon a couple of shemlens far into our territory. They were running from something. They claimed that the dead were walking. We did not believe what they said and killed them for trespassing. We knew of the place they spoke. We knew there was no cave nor ruin there, yet we decided to go look.

But there was something there. There was an entrance. Spiders had burrowed there and caused a cave in to an ancient ruin. We should have left it da'mi, we should have left it! We found something worse then darkspawn. The pull was so strong. We couldn't stop. It called to us. And there it was. Eluvian - the mirror - silent, terrible and ancient. A relic better left untouched and undisturbed.

It claimed Tamlen and left me on the brink of death.

How they brought me back to life, I do not know. And to what life was it? I was broken.

That is who i was then.

I came to Ostagar because the Wardens waste nothing and I did not have much of a choice. I was not really there. In my mind I had already entered the Endless Dream. The rest of what happened you already know. With a new beginning came new purpose. To see this Blight through to the end or die trying. A worthy hunt. I suppose one could have called it hope.

The feeling of new hope didn't last long. Nightmares plagued me in both my sleep and my wake. Much more so then I let on. You see, I was already tainted before the joining. The ritual did little for me but to buy me some time. I would soon become vir'din - pathless - the empty husks you call darkspawn. If you sometimes thought me in a hurry and quick to act it was not out of recklessness, I was simply running out of time. Unlike a new recruit having one nightmare or two I was already sensing The Calling.

That night our camp got swarmed by darkspawn was no accident. True that darkspawn and Grey Wardens are drawn to each other through the corruption, but this was personal. They came for me. They brought someone who once belonged to me, but there was nothing left of Tamlen in that husk. He knew my name and his, but little else.

I thought it was beyond cruel that he for some reason had been left with a hint of his mind left. Enough to seek me out. To be the living nightmare that haunted me the most. To see him die a second time hardened my heart. Where I had begun to feel hope there was now nothing but determination to see my task through.

This is why there was no more time for distractions. I talked you into staying behind because even if I had told you all this - even if we had agreed on what had to be done - I didn't trust you to let me do it.

The only one who knew what had to happen was Sten. He knew enough. In case the call of the arch demon drove me mad before we reached it someone determined enough had to make sure i reached my goal by any means possible. No doubt he did.

I'm sorry my time with you was as short as it was. I'm sorry i could not give you what you wanted.

Vir assan. Vir Bor'assan. Fly straight and do not waver, bend but never break.

Endure.

Forever yours,

Etelin

* * *

(I wrote this maybe 3 years ago. I have no sources for where I got any of the elvish stuff so I'm doing my best to make a list of translations and things I _think_ I was referring to so take it with a bit of imagination. I'm pretty sure I first intended to write it in a way where translations were not really necessary and it isn't but im still making a list for reference.)

 **da'vhenan (dah-VEY-nahn)** : little heart

 **Shemlen (SHEHM-lehn)** : Literally "quick children". The original name of the elves for the human race.

 **da'mi (dah-MEE)** : little blade

 **Eluvian (ehl-LOO-vee-ehn)** : mirror.

 **(Endless Dream** **)** **Uthenera (ooth-en-ERR-ah)** : Waking sleep. Uthenera was the name of the ancient practice of immortal elves who would "sleep" once they tired of life. Literally: "Eternal waking dream".

 **vir'din** : pathless, empty husk (can't find the source but i remember looking this up. If its completely off, just go with it.)

 **The calling** : (Roughly) When a Warden can't fight the taint the Warden goes to the Deep Roads to die fighting rather than turning. _( wiki/Grey_Wardens)_

 **Lethallin; Lethallan (leth-ah-LEEN; leth-ah-LAHN)** : Casual reference used for someone with whom one is familiar. Lethallin is used for males, while lethallan is used for females. Akin to "cousin" or "clansman" since "lin" is the word for blood.

 **The Way of Three Trees:** The Vir Tanadhal translates as "the way of three trees", and encompasses three basic tenets:

Vir Assan, the Way of the Arrow: fly straight and do not waver.  
Vir Bor'assan, the Way of the Bow: bend but never break.  
Vir Adahlen, the Way of the Forest: receive the gifts of the hunt with mindfulness, or alternatively, together we are stronger than the one.

 _(source: Dragon Age Origins: Shadow of the Blight Wiki and_ _ _Dragon Age Wikia_ )_


End file.
